Understanding Shame (Academic Essay)
March 04, 2010 - 03:57PM
Much has been written in recent years about co-dependency. It's characteristics of caretaking, the need to control others, denial, inability to trust, anger, lack of boundaries, people pleasing, addictive behaviours, fear of criticism and an inability to communicate needs effectively are common as presenting issues in the counselling room. An examination of the documented characteristics of shame (Middleton-Moz 1990) revealed remarkable similarities to that of co-dependency. Bradshaw (1993, p14) states "It is my belief that internalised shame is the essence of co-dependency."
Daily living and interacting with people in any environment will reveal that co-dependency is rampant in our society. It does not make sense to me that so many people would choose co-dependency as a way of ‘being' and engaging the world because of the negative impact that result on both individuals, and the relationships those people form with others. This perceived lack of choice indicates that some "driving force" is likely to be operating below these behaviours. Could that influence be shame? Severe traumas such as sexual abuse are recognised as sources of shame, but that is unlikely to account for the widespread exhibiting of co-dependency behaviours within our society, hence the following exploration of shame, and how it enters so many people in apparently ‘normal' families.
What is shame?
Healthy shame reminds us that we are human. It makes us realise that we are not God, that we do make mistakes (Bradshaw1993), that we have been created with a full range of emotions from joy through to grief and anger and that part of being human is to experience each of them at different times.
Debilitating or toxic shame however, is a deep feeling within ourselves that makes us want to hide (Middleton-Moz 1990) because, "I am unworthy, unlovable, incompetent and fundamentally flawed." According to Bradshaw (1993 p3) "it is an excruciatingly internal experience of unexpected exposure. It is a deep cut felt primarily from the inside."
Feelings that reveal the existence of toxic shame
Although there is a strong desire to hide the existence of shame, there are a number of feelings that commonly surface.
When questioned, many people are aware of these feelings, but have few clues as to where there they came from. To reveal the core beliefs that generate these feelings, Kaufman, Bradshaw and Middleton-Moz all contend that experiences as a child need to be explored because they hold the key to identifying the original sources of the shame. The feeling of toxic shame is so intense that adults who have been shamed as children will do almost anything to avoid having to experience the pain they feel inside. As parents, they unknowingly set up family dynamics and rules, which control the behaviour of family members to cover up their own shame. This is the way in which shame gets passed from one generation to the next. Some examples of common shame-based family rules and dynamics are -
The adults have absolute power in the family.
E.g. Dad can yell at anyone, Mum can yell at anyone except Dad, the oldest can yell at anyone except Mum and Dad etc. The youngest tortures the cat (Bradshaw 1998 p39).
Children should be seen and not heard.
A child's "will" must be broken as soon as possible.
Parents will decide with absolute authority what is right or wrong.
No contribution from children will be considered. I have seen a poster that said..
"Rule No 1: Dad is always right.
Rule No 2: if Dad is wrong, refer to Rule No 1."
Mistakes are a flaw in character and will result in punishment.
Everything must be done perfectly and anything less than perfection is unacceptable.
There are only two ways of doing things around here – my way and the wrong way.
All children must be in control of their feelings and behaviours at all times. Expressions of normal feelings of anger, tears, joy, grief, sexuality, are not acceptable. (This rule does not apply to adults).
Expression of any personal needs or wants is considered selfish and the good of the "Family" must come first. We will not talk of any true feelings – they must be hidden at all costs.
The children will be responsible for the parent's feelings.
"If you children didn't misbehave, I wouldn't be angry."
"If you children did more work around the house, I wouldn't be so tired."
"If you children didn't cost so much to feed, we would have more money."
Don't rely on anyone and you won't be disappointed.
(This allows adults behaviour to be completely unpredictable).
Punishment will be confused with discipline.
These family rules will never be written down, but children learn very quickly what behaviour and expression of feelings are acceptable and what will result in loss of love or punishment. They learn that to be accepted in the family, they must behave or perform on a certain way and bury unacceptable parts of themselves. Whenever these parts are experienced or surface, the person feels intense shame. The thoughts, rules, and beliefs learned in childhood as necessary for survival in their world, become inflexible masters in adult life. They originate in family sayings and interactions and will continue to have a controlling influence in the adult's life until they are recognised and challenged.
Some common examples of core beliefs formed from these family rules and the words that generated them are:
These beliefs become deeply imbedded in the subconscious and scorched on the memory. While those who have these beliefs invest vast amounts of energy into keeping them hidden, they inevitably reveal themselves in behaviours and in relationships.
Control
They will either overtly control, or covertly manipulate others to avoid vulnerability and the threat of being exposed as inadequate. The feelings of shame are so intense and painful that they will control themselves and others to avoid having to feel them.
Criticism
They are unable to listen to negative feedback because it is a threat to their very being. They perceive that their character is being challenged and will either cower from it or defend as if it was a fight for life.
People pleasing or being nice
Because they can't bear the thought of someone thinking negatively about them or criticising them they aim to please everyone. This often results in them being very tired, busy and being unable to say NO to anyone.
They rarely give honest feedback because they fear hurting others. This creates an unreal atmosphere and prevents the intimacy that they actually long for.
Authority
They are unable to retain equal power with authority figures, often unable to defend themselves against injustice or misunderstanding in those situations.
Affection and praise
They shrink and hide from the praise and credit they secretly long for.
Negative Talk
They constantly put themselves down in conversations. They are actually wanting others to challenge those negative beliefs and provide them with affirmation, but if it does come, they either can't hear it or don't believe it. Inside is the belief that "if you really knew what I was like then you wouldn't like me."
Procrastination
They often put things off till the last minute. This sometimes stems from the fear of criticism and exposure if they don't "get it right" and sometimes is a rebellion against the nagging voice of the past that says "hurry up and get going."
Usually the child who has been shamed would prefer to be "someone who has a behaviour problem" than face the shame of seeing themselves as a failure.
Depression
They are very vulnerable to depression because so many feelings are buried to avoid the reprimand, punishment, rejection or isolation that will occur if they are honest.
Addictions and compulsive behaviours
These are common because they can meet a need for comfort without having to ask or rely on someone else. The substance is always there and it will never say "no".
They sometimes provide a temporary escape from those intense feelings of inadequacy. They can be behaviours such as shopping, workaholic tendencies, list making or helping others.
Intimacy
They avoid intimacy with others because it might reveal to someone how defective and flawed they really are.
Caretaking
Many will be caretakers because this avoids the need to admit that they have needs and desires too. Having needs is shameful.
Lying
Often lie to themselves and others because the truth is not good enough.
Relationships
They are often attracted to, and then later repelled by, the parts of themselves that have been disowned and buried. They commonly believe that "if you change, I would not have a problem."
Unconditional Love
As adults in relationships, they seek the unconditional love from their partners that they did not receive as children. They often resent their partner for not giving them something they did not ask for – "you should have known. If I have to ask for it, it's not worth it."
Tiredness
They are often tired because the effort required fighting all of these feelings and keeping them buried, soaks up vast amounts of energy. The disowned parts of themselves often surface in dreams creating broken sleep patterns and waking up more tired than when they went to sleep.
Busyness
Keeping the mind busy avoids having to deal with the negative thoughts. They often can't relax.
As a Counsellor, learning to recognise the characteristics that reveal the existence of toxic shame can assist with connecting with the client, and avoid relating in a way that might result in the client terminating counselling, along with being effective in facilitating recovery. Becoming free from the crippling effects of debilitating shame is not a fast process.
Each of the core beliefs need to be identified, disputed and replaced with the truth. This is often very painful. I believe that toxic shame is prevalent in the people of our nation regardless of culture. Shame is passed from one generation to the next in "normal" families by being used to control behaviour in children.It is a crippling deception that must be challenged with the truth.
Replacing the lie of "there is something fundamentally wrong with me" with the truth "I am ok" releases people to move into their potential.
Bibliography
Bradshaw, J. (1998). Healing the shame that binds you. Florida: Health Communications
Kaufman, G. (1993.) The psychology of shame. London: Routlege
Middleton-Moz, J. (1990) Shame and guilt. Florida: Health Communications
Daily living and interacting with people in any environment will reveal that co-dependency is rampant in our society. It does not make sense to me that so many people would choose co-dependency as a way of ‘being' and engaging the world because of the negative impact that result on both individuals, and the relationships those people form with others. This perceived lack of choice indicates that some "driving force" is likely to be operating below these behaviours. Could that influence be shame? Severe traumas such as sexual abuse are recognised as sources of shame, but that is unlikely to account for the widespread exhibiting of co-dependency behaviours within our society, hence the following exploration of shame, and how it enters so many people in apparently ‘normal' families.
What is shame?
Healthy shame reminds us that we are human. It makes us realise that we are not God, that we do make mistakes (Bradshaw1993), that we have been created with a full range of emotions from joy through to grief and anger and that part of being human is to experience each of them at different times.
Debilitating or toxic shame however, is a deep feeling within ourselves that makes us want to hide (Middleton-Moz 1990) because, "I am unworthy, unlovable, incompetent and fundamentally flawed." According to Bradshaw (1993 p3) "it is an excruciatingly internal experience of unexpected exposure. It is a deep cut felt primarily from the inside."
Feelings that reveal the existence of toxic shame
Although there is a strong desire to hide the existence of shame, there are a number of feelings that commonly surface.
- Being Defective
The sense that "there is something wrong with me, everyone else is OK but I am not good enough," is a strong indicator. Many have trouble with self-esteem, and as Christians, have trouble believing that God really does love them as they are. It says "I don't make mistakes; I am a mistake." - Being Watched
The feeling "everyone is watching me and laughing at me," and "if I do or say anything then I will make a fool of myself." Associated with this can be the feeling of being exposed. - Loneliness
The feeling of being alone, even when surrounded by those who love and care – "there is no one I can trust." - Controlled
Sometimes described as like walking along a very narrow corridor with no room to move either side – of not having any freedom to choose – sometimes the feeling that "everyone is controlling me." - Being Judged
The feeling that "everyone is thinking negative, critical thoughts about me" - Mentally Paralysed
When faced with decisions to make or situations that require quick thinking the feeling of is often one of being overwhelmed or paralysed with fear like a rabbit in a spotlight. - Anxiousness
The feeling of being "on guard" all the time, so as not to be caught "off guard" results in people often feeling wound up, anxious with constant tension.
When questioned, many people are aware of these feelings, but have few clues as to where there they came from. To reveal the core beliefs that generate these feelings, Kaufman, Bradshaw and Middleton-Moz all contend that experiences as a child need to be explored because they hold the key to identifying the original sources of the shame. The feeling of toxic shame is so intense that adults who have been shamed as children will do almost anything to avoid having to experience the pain they feel inside. As parents, they unknowingly set up family dynamics and rules, which control the behaviour of family members to cover up their own shame. This is the way in which shame gets passed from one generation to the next. Some examples of common shame-based family rules and dynamics are -
The adults have absolute power in the family.
E.g. Dad can yell at anyone, Mum can yell at anyone except Dad, the oldest can yell at anyone except Mum and Dad etc. The youngest tortures the cat (Bradshaw 1998 p39).
Children should be seen and not heard.
A child's "will" must be broken as soon as possible.
Parents will decide with absolute authority what is right or wrong.
No contribution from children will be considered. I have seen a poster that said..
"Rule No 1: Dad is always right.
Rule No 2: if Dad is wrong, refer to Rule No 1."
Mistakes are a flaw in character and will result in punishment.
Everything must be done perfectly and anything less than perfection is unacceptable.
There are only two ways of doing things around here – my way and the wrong way.
All children must be in control of their feelings and behaviours at all times. Expressions of normal feelings of anger, tears, joy, grief, sexuality, are not acceptable. (This rule does not apply to adults).
Expression of any personal needs or wants is considered selfish and the good of the "Family" must come first. We will not talk of any true feelings – they must be hidden at all costs.
The children will be responsible for the parent's feelings.
"If you children didn't misbehave, I wouldn't be angry."
"If you children did more work around the house, I wouldn't be so tired."
"If you children didn't cost so much to feed, we would have more money."
Don't rely on anyone and you won't be disappointed.
(This allows adults behaviour to be completely unpredictable).
Punishment will be confused with discipline.
These family rules will never be written down, but children learn very quickly what behaviour and expression of feelings are acceptable and what will result in loss of love or punishment. They learn that to be accepted in the family, they must behave or perform on a certain way and bury unacceptable parts of themselves. Whenever these parts are experienced or surface, the person feels intense shame. The thoughts, rules, and beliefs learned in childhood as necessary for survival in their world, become inflexible masters in adult life. They originate in family sayings and interactions and will continue to have a controlling influence in the adult's life until they are recognised and challenged.
Some common examples of core beliefs formed from these family rules and the words that generated them are:
- Crying is bad – "big boys don't cry"
"If you don't stop blubbering now, I will really give you something to cry about." - I am responsible for everyone else's feelings
"You've made me angry."
"Now look what you've done – you've made your mother cry." - I must not let my feelings show
"You shouldn't feel like that, how dare you get angry at me." - I am not allowed to have needs
"You think the whole world revolves around you – what about the rest of us?" - I am incompetent
"You're useless; you'll never be any good."
"Can't you get anything right? Get out of the road and let me do it or we'll be here all day."
"How on earth did that happen? You should have known better than that."
"See – I told you that would happen."
"What do you think you are doing? You should be ashamed of yourself." - I am not good enough
"Trying is not good enough. You should have done better than that."
These beliefs become deeply imbedded in the subconscious and scorched on the memory. While those who have these beliefs invest vast amounts of energy into keeping them hidden, they inevitably reveal themselves in behaviours and in relationships.
Control
They will either overtly control, or covertly manipulate others to avoid vulnerability and the threat of being exposed as inadequate. The feelings of shame are so intense and painful that they will control themselves and others to avoid having to feel them.
Criticism
They are unable to listen to negative feedback because it is a threat to their very being. They perceive that their character is being challenged and will either cower from it or defend as if it was a fight for life.
People pleasing or being nice
Because they can't bear the thought of someone thinking negatively about them or criticising them they aim to please everyone. This often results in them being very tired, busy and being unable to say NO to anyone.
They rarely give honest feedback because they fear hurting others. This creates an unreal atmosphere and prevents the intimacy that they actually long for.
Authority
They are unable to retain equal power with authority figures, often unable to defend themselves against injustice or misunderstanding in those situations.
Affection and praise
They shrink and hide from the praise and credit they secretly long for.
Negative Talk
They constantly put themselves down in conversations. They are actually wanting others to challenge those negative beliefs and provide them with affirmation, but if it does come, they either can't hear it or don't believe it. Inside is the belief that "if you really knew what I was like then you wouldn't like me."
Procrastination
They often put things off till the last minute. This sometimes stems from the fear of criticism and exposure if they don't "get it right" and sometimes is a rebellion against the nagging voice of the past that says "hurry up and get going."
Usually the child who has been shamed would prefer to be "someone who has a behaviour problem" than face the shame of seeing themselves as a failure.
Depression
They are very vulnerable to depression because so many feelings are buried to avoid the reprimand, punishment, rejection or isolation that will occur if they are honest.
Addictions and compulsive behaviours
These are common because they can meet a need for comfort without having to ask or rely on someone else. The substance is always there and it will never say "no".
They sometimes provide a temporary escape from those intense feelings of inadequacy. They can be behaviours such as shopping, workaholic tendencies, list making or helping others.
Intimacy
They avoid intimacy with others because it might reveal to someone how defective and flawed they really are.
Caretaking
Many will be caretakers because this avoids the need to admit that they have needs and desires too. Having needs is shameful.
Lying
Often lie to themselves and others because the truth is not good enough.
Relationships
They are often attracted to, and then later repelled by, the parts of themselves that have been disowned and buried. They commonly believe that "if you change, I would not have a problem."
Unconditional Love
As adults in relationships, they seek the unconditional love from their partners that they did not receive as children. They often resent their partner for not giving them something they did not ask for – "you should have known. If I have to ask for it, it's not worth it."
Tiredness
They are often tired because the effort required fighting all of these feelings and keeping them buried, soaks up vast amounts of energy. The disowned parts of themselves often surface in dreams creating broken sleep patterns and waking up more tired than when they went to sleep.
Busyness
Keeping the mind busy avoids having to deal with the negative thoughts. They often can't relax.
As a Counsellor, learning to recognise the characteristics that reveal the existence of toxic shame can assist with connecting with the client, and avoid relating in a way that might result in the client terminating counselling, along with being effective in facilitating recovery. Becoming free from the crippling effects of debilitating shame is not a fast process.
Each of the core beliefs need to be identified, disputed and replaced with the truth. This is often very painful. I believe that toxic shame is prevalent in the people of our nation regardless of culture. Shame is passed from one generation to the next in "normal" families by being used to control behaviour in children.It is a crippling deception that must be challenged with the truth.
Replacing the lie of "there is something fundamentally wrong with me" with the truth "I am ok" releases people to move into their potential.
Bibliography
Bradshaw, J. (1998). Healing the shame that binds you. Florida: Health Communications
Kaufman, G. (1993.) The psychology of shame. London: Routlege
Middleton-Moz, J. (1990) Shame and guilt. Florida: Health Communications
