. KiwiSense .
. .
. .
.
.
.
.
.
 

The Power of Disappointment

Our experiences with disappointment in our formative years can have a similar effect on our adult life as salt has on food. Both too much of it and too little of it causes problems. It is one of the hidden factors behind some people having difficulty with hearing and accepting "no" and others having trouble respectfully saying "no." Both are important life-skills.
 
 Those who have experienced too much disappointment can find it difficult to say "no" to others including their children because they don't want to cause others to feel the overwhelming disappointment that they endured as a child. They can also struggle with addictions and self control because they will do anything to avoid reawakening the overwhelming feelings of disappointment generated if they were to say "no" to themselves.

There are several things we will need to understand if as parents and grandparents we are going to encourage our teens to resist being controlled by others in their peer groups and make their own choices in life as adults.
Firstly, we need to clearly distinguish between "no" and "disrespect." They are not the same thing. Many young adults in the past have been punished for being disrespectful if ever they dared to say "no" to their parents.
Second, it is ok to disappoint others. If they are going to say "no" to someone then they will disappoint them. It is often harder for a teen to say "no" to their peers than it is to their parents so teens need practice at disappointing others if they are going to make wise choices based on their own values.

Too little disappointment. These children do not get the opportunity to realise that disappointment is a normal part of life and while it may be a bit uncomfortable it is not fatal. If someone says "no" to us or if we are to have self control by saying "no" to ourselves we will need to get used to being disappointed for a while and that we will get over it. The life lesson to be learnt is that we don't have to always get what we want to be happy.

Young children naturally believe that the whole world revolves around them and that they are entitled to have whatever they want. If they don't get what they want, it is normal that they will try a range of tactics to get it. They have all the time in the world to pester, whine, sulk, pack a tantrum or use guilt by accusing their parents of being a bad mum or dad. They soon figure out which works best and even if it only works one time in ten, from their point of view is well worth the effort. Giving in to the demands of the child for the sake of peace is easier in the short term but the price of peace keeps getting higher and higher as the child grows older. They also spot very quickly if mum and dad are not on the same page and will play one off against the other. An adult who is parenting on their own can quickly become worn down.
While this pressure is extremely tiring and at times embarrassing when they try it on in public, their range of strategies is somewhat limited compared with the power and control strategies than can be used as an adult.
Next time you see a parent struggling with a child who is determined to wear them down, embarrass them in or make them feel guilty because they are being told "no," how about offering them a word of encouragement.
A parting thought for you to consider – until I have heard your "no," I will never be able to trust your "yes."

 


 
With peace
at any price the
price will get too
high eventually
Kiwisense Ltd | P 07 888 2722 | M 021 712 115 | E info@kiwisense.co.nz
.
.
.
© Kiwisense Ltd 2018. All Rights Reserved | Website designed by Bold Horizon and digiCreative
.
.