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Marriage Counselling

Kiwisense offers marriage counselling and marriage guidance in the Waikato from their offices in Matamata.  With a Bachelor of Counselling Degree from Bethlehem Tertiary Institute in Tauranga, Allan is passionate about helping couples discover all the joys that a healthy marriage relationship has to offer.

Allan is particularly adept at reassuring partners that may initially be reluctant to attend marriage counselling.
Allan's counselling style mixes a healthy combination of compassion and gentle challenge with a practical commonsense approach to life and its problems derived from his own life experience and farming background.

Allan's marriage counselling and guidance focuses on understanding and resolving the problems that are creating the pain in the unhappy relationship.  Marriage counselling is usually conducted with both partners but can involve individual sessions with each partner to explore any past issues or problems that are currently affecting the marriage.

The Kiwisense Retreats, usually held in the beautiful Waikato, offers a unique alternative to regular marriage counselling for those who require absolute privacy or are reluctant to seek help in their local area for their marriage problems. (Find out more)

Kiwisense also offers pre-marriage preparation which can help avoid many of the unhappy marriage problems we see so often. (See Relationship Coaching)

In any relationship or marriage counselling, faster progress can be made towards a healthy relationship if both partners are involved with the process.  If however, only one partner is willing then change and improvement in an unhappy marriage can still occur.  A marriage relationship is always in a situation of balance and if one partner is prepared to do their own work, then the nature of the marriage relationship can no longer stay the same.

Kiwisense Philosophy on Marriage and Relationships

Allan believes that it in most cases, it is not necessary to leave the marriage to remove the pain and frustration that a problem or unhappy marriage is causing.  With the right guidance at the right time, marriage can be enjoyed rather than endured. 

Kiwisense counselling also has a strong emphasis on education.  Just as gravity works on us whether we are aware of it or not, so do fundamental principles of relationships.  While actions may speak louder than words, failure to understand the marriage relationship dynamics and fundamental differences in people often results in misunderstanding our partner's intentions.

The marriage relationship has a natural equilibrium with each partner contributing in their own way to maintaining the balance.  If one partner changes in some way, the relationship cannot stay the same. Because of this principle, progress can be made even if only one person is willing to attend marriage counselling or marriage guidance.

Whilst Allan's first choice would be to resolve the problems and issues within the marriage, there are situations where continuing the marriage would not be a realistic option.  In these situations, marriage counselling or guidance can create an environment where honesty can finally emerge and the two individuals be helped to discover the reasons why the unhappy marriage was unsuccessful.  Without this understanding, future relationships have a high risk of repeating the same mistakes.

Strongly influenced by the thinking of David Schnarch (Passionate Marriage) and David Riddell (Living Wisdom), Allan believes that relationships are a valuable part of an individual's journey towards mental and emotional maturity and balance, particularly in the context of marriage.  Developing a deep trusting relationship with a life or marriage partner can provide the confidence and support to handle any other crisis or event that life may present.

We are initially attracted to someone who exhibits the undeveloped part of ourselves resulting in the impression of finding our other half; with the two individuals making up the whole (the two shall become one).  At some stage the differences that once were attractive become a problem and we end up pushing each others' buttons. 

After being attracted to the very best in the other, we call out the very worst.  The usual miss-assumption is that because our partner originally made me happy, it is now their fault that I am now unhappy, and if they changed, I would not have a problem.  The situation is often interpreted as we are now not suited and I must have chosen the wrong person. 
Allan's belief is that the marriage relationship is doing its job by both revealing the undeveloped parts of ourselves and providing the environment for growth.  This would have happened eventually, regardless of who we were in relationship with.  It can be an invitation to re-engage the maturing process as an individual that was begun as a child, but will inevitably have become stalled at some point. 

When an individual can get to the place of asking the question of "what was my part in creating the situation we are now in?" then each can begin to move from being part of the problem to being part of the solution.
Common Issues Encountered in Marriage Counselling:

  • Developing communication skills
  • Restoring trust
  • Understanding and working with sexual issues
  • Recovery from affairs
  • Conflict resolution
  • Wider family influences
  • Balancing expectations

In general, the sooner married couples get help for the issues that they are struggling with, the faster progress can be made in resolving them.

Short term
pain for long
term gain
Kiwisense Ltd | P 07 888 2722 | M 021 712 115 | E info@kiwisense.co.nz
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